2016. What a year. Definitely a life study in Saturnal influences. This was the year I chose to explore the Sacred Heart. A year of living more passionately, of living from the heart, to take on the role of Poet-Warrior, but more on that later. A year that for many was very dark and challenging, a year that almost took me down. A time of challenge that has left me stronger emotionally, more compassionate, more reflective, and less materialistic.
My year was fraught with breakdowns. There were the losses of people I admire. My marriage fell apart. I lost several jobs and two places to live. I lost my car. During this process I almost lost my mind. Then I almost gave up on life. Breakdown after breakdown. I felt as if everything I had come to identify as “self” was dissolving before my very eyes.
I was losing my sense of being. To be open hearted and compassionate under these circumstances was igniting a flame deep inside, but I still had more work ahead. Little did I realize the breakdowns were preparing me for the challenges ahead.
Taking inventory of my life required a brutal honesty that only meditation on the Sacred Heart as Divine Love could guide me through. No longer confining myself, I was able to take responsibility for all the self inflicted black magic I insisted were compromises, but more truthfully were martyr points that wielded like weapons when I felt necessary. I began to own my shadow and its abusive ways of protecting itself.
The repeated shocks of this year enhanced by a Saturn Retrograde going full direct took me deeper than I have ever gone; deeper still than even shamanic journeys. At the bottom of it all, I almost gave up and crossed over. Instead, I reached out and found others willing to hold on and not let me fall. I put out the call and they answered. A one eyed witch with no tradition save her own. Cedar Woman and a Mare who walks into fires. I am grateful to know such strong women. They have encouraged me to keep listeningto the Sacred Heart and its wisdom. The time had come to accept and love someone I had been long neglecting; myself.
After losing so much it was fairly easy to pick up the pieces that I wanted to carry forward, what surprised me most, was what had been long neglected and left behind. I found a poets heart still beating in the ashes; shriveled, atrophied, and distrustful, but still beating. I found unbound love of and fascination with humanity and its quirky ways. Here was wanderlust and intellectual curiosity. At the heart of it all self discovery through Body Play. I saw myself again, not reborn, older, wiser, spiritually maturing.
Able to discern what tools I already possessed to move forward and what burdens to leave behind, I knew I must follow the Sacred Heart once more to Conjunction Junction.
Much like the Crossroads, Conjunction Junction is a place where different paths meet, but unlike the crossroads the Junction is about connections. Not simple connections like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; more like the magical melange of Gumbo or Coq au Vin. A place where essential ingredients simmer together to transcend their disparate natures.
This is where I learn how Body Play informs my magical identity. Where my poets heart fuels the wanderlust and the Sacred Heart unites them all into the mad scientist magician persona I call the Mutant Mage. This is where the authentic self emerges; although time is still required for the curing process. Just like prime rib must “rest” in an oven for several hours to come out right or a beer wort must ferment in order to render the desired results.
This not just a finishing stage; this a transformative stage and a test. This is Chapel Perilous. It is here that I truly learn to trust in the Sacred Heart and cast away the last remains of self doubt and fear. In this time and place I find a job that I am comfortable with and can build a budget around. Here I realize less is more; for me. I accept that the sedan and the one room rental space because it is all I truly need and desire. This where I come to terms with the fact that I prefer travel, tattoos, and a pet toad to long term relationships. This is a time of spirit growth. Here I conquer depression and self sabotage. Now once more into the flames of the Sacred Heart to refine, and purify; to distill my spirit born self.
The final refinement, where the lessons all come together and process of continual renewal emerges. For me this has happened through a daily ritual of silence. A time for quiet contemplation and to reset. This happened to come right as th elections were happening. Without all of my previous trials and tribulations the results could have been devastating and I freely admit, my first reaction was anger. I own that and do not feel ashamed of it because it was honest.
I have learned not to hide myself for the sake of getting along. Being authentic has become my path, to live openly and freely. The Way of the Sacred Heart has shown me how to be a Spirit Warrior with the heart of a poet. Living open hearted and compassionate under these dark and challenging times has allowed me to coagulate into a new being without losing my authentic self.
This is the path forward and what I will discuss in part two. Coagulation is the art of living a nondualistic existence. This where we are Sacred Artists, not just tapping into the spirit of the Sacred Artist. This is where we are Animystic not considering things from an Animystic point of view, where we live magical lives on addition to magically enhancing our lives. The Sacred Heart has taught me much and with out its lessons, I might not have survived this year.
PEACE LOVE LIGHT